The Biggest Douchebags in Hollywood

After hearing Mel Gibson’s abhorrent rant yesterday, I seriously began to question my childhood movie favorites. Braveheart, Mad Max, Lethal Weapon. Oh Mel, why can’t we just keep you as William Wallace, riding that horse with your face painted blue and your eyes wild? Now that we know the real you, your movies seem tainted like black tar on a white dress.

Mel Gibson, once America’s leading man, has earned a new title in Hollywood. His tirade against women with comments like “sugar tits” and later punching his girlfriend in the teeth, along with his racial slurs about Jews and African Americans, have given him the new title “The Worse Human Being Alive” as stated by the the National Council of La Raza, a Hispanic non-profit organization.

Or as I like to called it: “Biggest Douchebag in Hollywood.”

So Mel got me thinking about the other douchebags that have been overlooked. We must not forget to highlight these douches and give them the 15 seconds of douchery that they deserve. After all, a lot of time and effort was put in on their part to be so unexceptionably douchey.

Here, in no particular order I present to you:

The Biggest Douchebags in Hollywood

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag

There has never been a more obnoxious duo to stampede around Hollywood with their fake lips and disturbing flesh colored beards than these two jokes. I cannot believe we even call them celebrities. What have they really done to deserve such a title? And now they have a book out entitled “How to Be Famous”. Seriously? Does it involve having a flesh colored beard and running around acting like a douche? Because if so, you two could win some super awards.

And I’m not the only one to believe these two deserve to be placed front and center on the wall of super douches, just check out what the hosts of the Insider had to say to Speidi just the other day:

Lindsay Lohan And More Importantly the Lohan Family


What a bunch of money hungry douches…the Lohans that is. The sad part is: Lindsay might have actually been able to go somewhere as an actress if it weren’t for her crazed, fame whore of a mother and her blabbermouth, jailbird of a father. At the drop of a dime her father shows up to Larry King, or News of the World or heck, just about anyone who could get his name in lights, to spill the beans on Lindsay and “how concerned he is for her.” I surely hope that next time my Dad is concerned for me, he doesn’t decide that People magazine needs to hear about my woes. Meanwhile Lindsay continues her parents douchey behavior by cavorting around town chugging the brews, snorting cocaine and then driving her Mercedes into the curb. Do you know what kind of jail sentence most people would get pulling one of those kind of all-nighters? Oh probably more than 90 days in jail, most of which will be spent at a $2000/night comfy “rehab” in the beautiful, picturesque hills of Utah!

Not only is she douchey, she is a dramatic douche. Is she really going to write “Fuck You” on her nails so she can really give the judge a piece of her mind?? Who does that? Then crying like a petulant child that doesn’t get her way when she has to actually face consequences.

I’m sorry but you get what you get. If Paris had to duke it in the Big House then so do you Lindsay….you douche.

Dustin Diamond

Screech!! What happened?? How did you turn out to be such a douche?? We all loved him in Saved By the Bell. We even knew some of his goofy lines and that silly laugh. And then came Celebrity Fit Club. Oooh boy did we have it wrong. It turns out Screech and Dustin Diamond…umm yeah, nothing alike. Screech’s jokes were witty and harmless, Dustin Diamond’s jokes are vulgar, rude and not funny at all. On Celebrity Fit Club Dustin proceeded to offend just about everyone he came in contact with, he also had a “I’m superior” vibe that he couldn’t let go of and he was generally acting like a huge, huge, douche.

What is worse is a few months after his stint on Celebrity Fit Club (where he almost got pummeled by Harvey the muscular-as-all-shit coach) Dustin was infamous yet again when a sex tape of himself and a girlfriend was leaked for the world to see. Ah to join the ranks of the super smutty AND douchey…tis quite an accomplishment.

Elisabeth Hassleback

Blab, blab, blab, at least figure out what it is you are talking about!! This woman annoys the crap out of me. I can’t even hear her voice because it will make me want to literally fling myself from a third story building. I think she needs to abort her brain…oh wait, she doesn’t have one.

I do not even need to say anything about Hassleback, I will just quote what OTHER people have said about her on the Internet:

“IQ of a small stone”

“God damn, someone shut that bitch up!”

“Elisabeth Hassleback and Sarah Palin are the two biggest jokes to ever appear on TV”

“Hassleback is the worst kind of stupid, which is stupid enough to always think she’s right”

“Elisabeth Razorback”

Let’s Just Call Them the Cheaters

They do not need to be listed individually, because they do not deserve it. But what is it with these cheating, scumbag celebrities??

Jon Gosselin, you have enough to do at home just running around with those cutetastic kids, how do you even have TIME to cheat? And seriously, noone needs to wear that much Ed Hardy, don’t get me wrong I love Ed Hardy, but you don’t need to be wearing Ed Hardy underwear, PJs, hat, glasses and socks AND damn shoes!! Come on.

Tiger. 13? Really? I mean DAAAAYUUUUMM, how do you even get their names straight? Let me guess you just gonna call each one baby? And if you are going to cheat on your wife at least upgrade. What kind of downgrade stripper hoes were you messing with?

Will you please stop and take a moment and LOOK at the woman you left at home??

Elin is gorgeous!! If you added all of the Tiger hoes together they still wouldn’t reach this caliber of beauty.

Dumb shmuck.

And Jessie James!! What a tool. And you KNOW a guy is a class act when he won’t even rent a hotel room when he picks you up, he takes you to his garage, next to his greasy tools and exhaust fumes. Class act, I tell you. And to go from Sandy to Tranny…wow. What a mess. Douchey awards coming your way.

Joe Jackson

Michael Jackson had barely had one foot in the grave and his father was already being a douchebag all over the media. Not only did he give this train wreck of an interview (see below) but he also started talking about how he was ready to start exploiting Michael’s children by throwing them into the spotlight. Psh. And what is up with bringing your lawyer around with you like your best bud? It looks shady and it is unnecessary! Oh Joe…what a douche.

John Mayer’s Mouth

John Mayer is a self proclaimed douche. Just take a look at some of the things he has said over the years:

Mayer: “My two biggest hits are ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ and ‘Daughters.’ If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.” – To Playboy magazine

Mayer: “I have male fans, but I’m persuading them to become female!”

Mayer: “I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing,” he says. “Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person.”

Mayer: “My d*ck is sort of like a white supremacist.”


And my final Celebrity Douchebag…although she is sub, sub celebrity, like below D list…is:

Flo, the Annoying Lady in the Damn Progressive Commercials

I just found out that her real name is Stephanie Courtney. Stephanie, you have an affect on me like no other person has ever had. It is like nails down a chalk board. I cannot stand your voice, your ridiculously perky attitude and your over-the-top red lipstick. Every time your commercial comes on the TV I must grab the remote to put it on mute while I advert my gaze so as not to see your ridiculous shennanigans. Stephanie, I hope you tell your marketing director that he/she should be fired from life. Watching your ads are like sipping cyanide.

I do not have a problem with you as long as you take up a new line of business.

Your current douchiness is off the douchetastic scale and it is really starting to get on my nerves.

At least team up with Geico and get the caveman to duct tape your mouth shut. That would be more enjoyable. Or get the gecko and the All State guy to take you on in the boxing ring. Yeah, that would be fun.

Seriously, stop being such a douche.

Did I miss any douches?

Add them in the comments!

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